Loving, not fixing: Pam’s shift as a loved one facing addiction
Published March 5, 2026
In the early days of her daughter’s addiction, Pam* thought the way a lot of parents do.
“When you first encounter addiction, you think, ‘Hit rock bottom, get the help you need and then you’re fixed. Then you’re all better,’” she said. “Little do you know.”
The more Pam has learned, especially about depression, stress and changes to the brain, the more she has come to accept that addiction wellness is a marathon, not a sprint.
“It can feel defeating. It goes on and on and you can’t understand why,” she said. “We’ve become more aware and more accepting. This process is not going to be a quick fix.”
Pam’s daughter has struggled with alcohol addiction since 2019. Pam does what she can to be there for her, but she’s learned to accept her limitations as a loved one.
“You think, ‘There’s a problem, let’s fix it.’ But we can’t make her do anything,” she said. “She knows we love her, and if we could’ve fixed it, we would’ve long ago.”
Despite all that she’s learned, Pam still sometimes doubts herself.
“You think, ‘What did we do wrong?’ You don’t raise your children the same, they’re all different,” she said. “She really had a wonderful life. She was happy, good in school, athletic.”
Pam and her husband also do what they can for their three granddaughters. Pam wants them to know that they’re welcome at their house any time. They plan regular family dinners.
“The girls are very active. They are busy with friends and sports,” she said. “We attend as many of their activities as we can and always let them know we are available for them.”
So much has changed since addiction entered Pam’s family. At the time, she was completely blindsided. She hasn’t been through anything else like it.
“I think of her 24/7,” she said. “You lose your friends; you don’t have time anymore. It takes time to have a friend. I still have friends but pretty much we’re texting and talking. We’re not getting together for lunch.”
The stress, fear and worry have taken their toll on Pam’s health.
“You don’t get the same kind of sleep. Early on I started to have Afib (Atrial Fibrillation),” she said. “And I haven’t had Eczema in forever, now I do. I know that it’s stress.”
When her daughter’s friend first recommended Face It TOGETHER to Pam, she wondered how she would fit something else into her schedule.
“I thought, ‘My plate is so overloaded. I’m just about to the brim,’” she said.
Once Pam was paired with Janelle, her peer coach, she was relieved to talk to another mom with a similar story.
“She’s just a sweetheart. We share back and forth; it’s a really good way to vent,” she said. “You can talk about addiction with somebody who gets it.”
Hearing about Janelle’s experiences help her feel closer to “normal.”
“If there is any such thing,” she said. “I’ve gotten a lot of resources; I’ve learned a lot more because I know where to look and what to read. There’s so much you don’t know. It doesn’t fix it, but it helps you deal with it.”
One of Pam’s favorite resources so far is the book “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” She reads and then rereads a couple pages each day so she can start to think differently.
Even if Janelle doesn’t tell her what to do, Pam knows she can call her in crisis moments. There are still “dynamite” situations she doesn’t know how to handle.
“You want to know how to help the one with the problem,” she said. “You know nothing; it blindsides you. You don’t have a clue until you have a clue. So, Face It TOGETHER is a way that you can connect and do it on your own terms.”
Pam feels her daughter is still “in the thick of it,” but her faith gives her hope.
“We do a lot of praying at our house,” she said. “I know she’s trying. I just wish she could have that little extra push to succeed.”
Through these difficult times, Pam will continue to love her daughter and granddaughters.
“She’s her bright, funny, good self the more alcohol is not there,” she said. "She’s got to believe it too, look at that mirror in the morning and say, ‘I am what I am and it’s going to get better.’ It will be a glorious day when we see some improvement.”
*We’ve changed Pam's name and omitted details to protect her family’s privacy.
As a follow-up to this story, Pam reflected upon her family's journey. We're honored to share her reflection in her own words here.