July 3, 2025
Why won’t my husband ask for help to stop drinking?
I see both sides of this question. After getting well from my own alcohol addiction, I walked alongside a spouse who struggled.
It is so difficult to watch what happens to someone you love when alcohol takes over. And it’s infuriating to feel like you’re more invested in them getting help than they are.
As hard as it is to understand, this is a really common feeling. Loved ones want relief so badly.
When I hear this question from a spouse, the first thing that comes to my mind is autonomy. Everyone wants to be able to make their own choices. Plus, it can be really hard to admit we need help. It’s a difficult, vulnerable thing.
Sometimes, we may wonder if we need help, but we’re trying to prove to ourselves that we can control it on our own.
It might help to keep in mind why your husband is drinking in the first place. Sometimes we forget that alcohol is a coping skill for stress or anxiety. I don’t say that to make any excuses, but it’s valuable to know what someone is trying to get out of drinking.
‘I’m not that bad’
There are a lot of excuses we tell ourselves when we’re struggling, especially for something like alcohol, which is still very accepted or even encouraged.
Our view of problematic drinking can be so warped. Why would I ask for help if I have a job? The bills are paid; we have a house and amazing kids. I only drink on the weekends. I only drink beer. I never blackout. I’ve never gotten a DUI. I don’t drink as much as my friends.
These are all defenses or justifications that could be going through your husband’s head. I’ve heard them all.
We have this idea of what “bad drinking” is, and as long as we’re not crossing that line, we have a hard time accepting there’s a problem.
How to talk about it
You may have tried to bring his drinking up in the past. Maybe you’ve tried to talk about it many times and it doesn’t go anywhere. Most loved ones who come to us for coaching describe their conversations ending in yelling or blaming.
They’re difficult conversations to have, and there are a lot of feelings on both sides. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
First, try to connect with them. The best way to do that might be to start with a topic or activity other than alcohol. Spend time together, play cards, take a walk, watch your favorite show.
Don’t pick a time when they’re already intoxicated; that conversation probably won’t go well.
Try to ask motivating questions. Here are a few examples:
- How would you like your drinking to be different?
- If your night was perfect, what would your drinking be like (number of drinks, location, who you’re with)?
- What do you think would help get you there?
- What’s getting in the way?
These questions won’t change everything, but they’re a start.
As a peer coach, I help spouses and other loved ones prepare for these tough conversations. We focus on compassion, boundaries and reducing conflict.
Sometimes, compassion just isn’t there. In those moments, I tell loved ones to focus on curiosity and productivity as much as possible.
Honesty
Unfortunately, lying is usually in the picture when it comes to alcohol and other drugs. It can be devastating to a relationship, and rebuilding trust takes a long time.
From personal experience, most people who are struggling with alcohol or other drugs don’t lie because they don’t care. It’s because they care, because they don’t want to hurt the people they love, that they lie. I’m not excusing it, and I’m not proud of it in my past, but it’s very common.
I’d encourage you to ask yourself this question, even if it’s tough, “Am I someone my partner can be honest with, even when it’s hard to hear?”
The truth can hurt. If we as loved ones have strong reactions to the truth, especially if it’s something we don’t want to hear, it might discourage honesty in the future. This doesn’t mean you’re to blame or that you’re not entitled to your feelings. I can’t say that enough; I know how much blame loved ones can put on themselves.
It’s all about fostering an environment where they feel safe to ask for help and admit when they’re struggling.
I’ve worked with spouses who realize they’ve been asking for honesty many times over, only to finally hear the truth and be very upset by it.
I recently had a loved one member share this same situation with me. She said, “I guess I don’t really make it comfortable for him to be honest with me either. I was always looking for signs, always on alert, always on edge.” (Janelle recently made a great point about how this constant watching can look in a blog about enabling.)
This member decided she wanted to work on her reactions and determine the right time to address her feelings.
If you’re in a situation where you’re told something that’s painful or difficult to hear, take a breath. Don’t let knee-jerk reactions take over. Try to approach with compassion as much as possible. Then, at a later and better time, you can address your feelings.
I know this is really hard to do. And not every situation is the same. If you’re ever unsafe or if your values have been disrespected, please do what’s best for you.
Help is available
There’s a lot to unpack here, and these shifts don’t happen overnight. I want you to know you’re not alone, and there is loving, effective support out there for you as a spouse.
If you feel like you need extra support, please reach out to us.