June 2, 2025
Am I helping or enabling my child with addiction?
There’s an old saying: “A mother is only as happy as her unhappiest child.” For parents of children struggling with addiction, that quote often feels painfully true.
When your son or daughter is caught in the grip of substance use, whether it’s marijuana, meth, alcohol or something else, your heart breaks alongside theirs. You want to help. You want to ease their pain. But at what point does helping become enabling?
What is enabling?
In the context of addiction, enabling means doing things that shield a person from the natural consequences of their behavior. It’s usually driven by love, guilt or fear.
Enabling has become a terrible source of shame for loved ones and particularly parents. It stops them in their tracks and makes them feel even more guilt than they already do. In most cases, the fear of enabling does much more harm than good. There’s nothing wrong with loving, caring for and wanting the best for your children, whether they use drugs or not.
“If I make him breakfast, am I enabling?”
This is a real question I got from a father I coached. But I’ve been asked similar questions from many other parents.
Imagine you’re this parent. Your adult son is living at home, still smoking pot, despite your repeated concerns. You want him to stop. You worry about his motivation, his mental health, his future. But he’s still your child, and making him breakfast feels like a small act of love and normalcy.
In this case, the father made breakfast for the whole family every weekend. He was so worried about enabling, about being part of the “problem,” that he started to doubt himself and if his lovely family tradition.
Making food isn’t inherently enabling. It’s the broader context, intention and patterns that matter. Are you trying to keep the peace instead of holding firm to boundaries? Or is this part of a clear, consistent structure where you’ve set expectations about his behavior?
Boundaries are not punishments
Many people confuse boundaries with ultimatums or cold detachment. But boundaries are not about punishment. They’re about protecting your peace and creating clarity. A boundary might sound like: “I’m happy to cook meals for people who are making an effort toward recovery. If you’re not ready to take that step, I respect your choice, but I won’t continue to support you in the same way.”
It’s not easy. Addiction doesn’t just hijack the person using substances; it disrupts the entire family system. That’s why boundaries are as much for you as they are for them.
Enabling isn’t black and white
There’s one important truth that’s often overlooked: enabling isn’t always black and white. It lives in the gray areas of love, fatigue and hope. Sometimes what looks like enabling is actually compassion. Sometimes what feels like support ends up being a barrier to growth. And sometimes, a rigid “no” might need to become a soft “maybe.” It all depends on where someone is in their recovery journey.
Flexibility is key. Recovery is not a straight line. Families have to be able to adapt, evaluate and reassess their boundaries without feeling guilty or judged. What works in one season may not work in another. The goal isn’t perfection. It’s awareness, growth and connection.
A tale of two goals: weight loss vs. cocaine recovery
Let’s compare two people: one trying to lose weight and one trying to stop using cocaine. Both are making a major life change, both face internal and external struggles, and both need support, not shame.
But here’s the difference. When someone says they’re trying to lose weight, we don’t grill them about where they were last night, who they were with or whether they were near a fast food place. We don’t demand to see their grocery receipts or ask them to weigh in every morning. We let them own their journey.
Yet, when someone is trying to stop using cocaine, for example, we often feel entitled to constant updates. We want to track their every move, question their friends, demand proof of progress. There’s a level of scrutiny and suspicion that we accept as normal or even loving. But imagine how you’d feel if you were trying to make a life change and someone followed you around, doubting your every step.
Addiction is serious, and accountability matters. But so does dignity. If we wouldn’t micromanage someone trying to lose weight, maybe we should rethink how we approach someone trying to recover from addiction.
The compassionate middle ground
Helping without enabling is a delicate dance. It requires self-awareness, support and often, outside help. Loving someone with an addiction doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can say is, “I believe in you enough to let you face the consequences of your choices.”
So, is making breakfast enabling? Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on the full picture. The key is to stay rooted in love, honesty, flexibility and clear boundaries. That’s how real healing begins—not just for them, but for you, too.